I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
You Might Also Like
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery