No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
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I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either