I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
You Might Also Like
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.