For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
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I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”