I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
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If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Not today
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.