Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
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newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.