How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
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Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.