I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
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the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
And they lived apathetically ever after.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…