Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
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I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?