Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
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My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.