Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
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robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
[eulogy]
line?
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand