I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
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Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Knock Knock
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Buying a well is money well spent.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.