Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
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JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Not my job 😂
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh