SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
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Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
When you don’t understand how floors work
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax