[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
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Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
😂🤣😂🤣
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)