dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
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On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
This why you should mind your business
need him
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?