me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
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Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”