the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
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I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Not messing around
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*