Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
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If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Passwords are more important than ever.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
I’m Sold!
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Thursday Thought.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done