Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
You Might Also Like
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
me irl
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.