I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
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July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Hotels are back
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Perfect
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.