My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
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Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.