*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
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3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”