T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
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*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT