Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
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I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.