i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
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So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Why is everyone getting married at me
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.