GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
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Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
the council will decide your fate
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
this is me
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most