Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
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was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™