why would tinder want me to say this
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DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
me and the Superbowl rn
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
tinder is all about the long game
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Xylophonist Shredding It
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.