Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
You Might Also Like
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
You deplete me
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
“Huge”.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.