Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
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This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]