Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
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date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*