Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
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I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Start the year as you intend to continue.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.