It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
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I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
TODAY
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹