Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
You Might Also Like
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Life cycle of cat
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?