“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
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Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
very niche meme I made
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I鈥檓 just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you鈥檝e made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
I post 馃煩馃煩馃煩馃煩馃煩 on Facebook everyday.
I don鈥檛 play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Me: I hate Valentine鈥檚 Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 馃槏馃槏馃槏
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
excuse me
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.