If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
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Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
i love meeting boys on tinder
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Somebody’s lying.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.