For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
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I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.