If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
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I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
when someone compliments me
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
craving $300 all of a sudden
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.