*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
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In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
New favorite tiktok
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.