Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
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Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
you have three unread messages
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
when mom throws a party…
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar