I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
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Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.