Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
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Guilty! 🤪
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
A small tragedy.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate