“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
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the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”