Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
You Might Also Like
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?