podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
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Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
What flavor cupcake are these
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor