If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
You Might Also Like
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
(True)
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move