Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
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Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”