Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
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robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
The news is so predictable nowadays
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!