Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
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*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
🤣😂🤣
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
23. the denim jacket
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs